Moment by Moment Parenting

Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Before I delve into parenting philosophy, I will share the meaning of the word philosophy using a few definitions that speak to me from merriam-webster.com:

A pursuit of wisdom that includes a search for a general understanding of values and reality, an analysis of the grounds of and concepts expressing fundamental beliefs, a theory underlying a sphere of activity or thought, the most basic beliefs, concepts, and attitudes of an individual or group, and calmness of temper and judgment befitting a philosopher.

I really appreciate the last point because a philosophy applied to life begets a result; the result of calmness of temper and judgment is important to me.

Along the path of parenting I have considered many philosophies. Some of those include natural parenting, attachment parenting, gentle parenting, spiritual parenting, positive parenting, responsible parenting, radical parenting, leading edge parenting, alternative parenting, traditional parenting, and probably a few more.

Some of these philosophies have several ideas in common such as nurturing children through breastfeeding and close contact from infancy, being sensitive to the needs of children, allowing children choices, discipline through loving guidance, and using non-punitive teaching methods. At one point I even considered punitive teaching methods that were supposed to be based in love. That was a twist for me.

My oldest child is almost 11 years old. I’ve made plenty of mistakes and experienced many realizations along the way. Plus, I was a tumultuous teen myself and I am not trying to re-create that experience for any of us!

Recently, I started writing a book for parents that relates to experiencing peace in the journey of parenting. I suppose you could call it a philosophy by the definition above. If you’re interested in a taste you can check out The Whole Body Camera, an ebook I wrote while preparing for the adventure of writing a complete book.

Although summing up my philosophy for parenting sometimes seems rather involved, it really comes down to the moment. Right here, right now.

What do I want for my experience as a parent? What do you want for yours? And what are we willing to do about it?

Here are four aspects of the philosophy that guides my parenting experience, which I fondly refer to as moment-by-moment parenting.

Clarity. In any given moment I am either clearly moving about my life – or not. If I am not I always have the choice to become clear. I start with my breath, then honesty. After hearing suggestions for years like count to ten, take a deep breath, and other pointers to check in with myself, I finally started listening.

Along with attention to my breath and body, I pay attention to what I am thinking and feeling. Where is my attention focused? The past, the future, right now? On another or myself? On complaining or appreciating? To gain clarity, I ask myself a few questions. Is what I am thinking true? Am I absolutely sure it is true? (Most often if it’s a disturbing thought the answer is no.) How can I turn the thought around to entertain a different perspective? For example, if the thought is “My daughter is trying to antagonize her brother” I may turn it around to “My daughter is not trying to antagonize her brother” or “My son is trying to antagonize his sister” or “No one is trying to antagonize anyone.”

Lastly – and very importantly – what do I want as a parent and for my family and am I working towards that without force and with confident determination? If I want to encourage cooperation am I willing to stop what I am doing that is not working – whether that is finishing an article I am working on, carrying on a phone conversation, reading a book, or communicating in a way that doesn’t convey respect?

I admit that sometimes clarity takes time. Wading through beliefs and patterns that muck up our ability to discern is the largest part of this process. Embrace gentleness along the way – it only compounds the situation to take a ratchet to one’s self while trying to grow. With practice, honest inquiry will bring about clarity very quickly.

Intention. The basis for what I want is paramount to putting any aspect of any philosophy to work in my life. If I am breastfeeding just because I think it’s good for baby or to fit in with a specific parenting style, I may be doing both of us a disservice. The reasons behind and the desired result of my actions are just as important as the actions themselves.

I focus on what I want. I notice and soak up the times I am experiencing what I want, what brings joy, what brings calm, what brings resolve, and what works for the benefit of all. I realize that my ability to focus and see our life from an honest perspective allows me to be clear about what I want and support everyone in their intentions.

We talk about what we want often with the knowledge that we are creating our lives in cooperation with the Creator, careful not to circumvent the peace of the present for the illusion of personal gain. This is a process for all of us at times. Similar to clarity, with practice and the experience of reaching our goals we realize intentions carry us forward in our journey.

Trust. I open to solutions, intuition, and information that can help me to bring about what I want as a parent. When I was a new mom I wanted to protect my oldest from harm. I tried to manage that by being the only one who cared for her. While that was an honorable attempt at taking care of my young, I did not trust that anyone else would care for her adequately. It didn’t work too well as I had more children and actually needed time to check in with myself and learn new skills. It also supported the fear that warranted the desire in the first place.

When I learned that there are clear ways to discipline without punishment (which is what I wanted all along), I found many opportunities to learn how to trust that was true. I observed that as long as I questioned the possibility that teaching doesn’t require force or punishment, none of the skills I was using would work. The default belief that punishment was necessary indicated to me that I did not trust the process of Life.

Trust allows intentions to actually manifest and for some, trust is a moment-to-moment experience.

Action. I can become really clear, declare what I want as a parent, and trust. Taking action towards what I want puts it all together. The rubber meets the road when a child “talks back”, screams at the top of her lungs, or some other aspect of life seemingly throws everything off balance.

I act in accordance with my intentions as a parent and when I mess up, I start over – right here, right now.

Resources

Simple meditation or breath of life meditation are quick examples of how to tune into yourself in any moment.

Byron Katie provides simple guidance to determine the truth of thoughts through four questions.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured‘s parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter’s first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom’s parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She’s come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations – Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It’s the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter’s life.
• On Children — “Your children are not your children,” say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.

• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she’s using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it’s important for her daughter’s growth.
• What’s a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh… — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there’s no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they’ll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she’s doing.