Very commonly parents are encouraged to separate the child from the behavior.
It goes kind of like this… If you do not like the way your child is “behaving” talk to the child about the behavior and let them know that you love them, but you do not like the behavior.
To some degree, this technique can set parents up for disaster.
When we don’t like something a sense of resistance is present within us. Of course this may be what we experience when we observe our child(ren) doing something we don’t like.
At the same time, finding ways to love the behavior allows the child the space to move through the behavior back to connection with their own sense of well being.
Choosing to love the whole child, behavior and all, releases resistance and clears the way to integration of the child, rather than separation.
For example, a parent might watch their child hit another sibling. Understandably the parent is upset that harm has occurred.
In that moment the parent can think about the fact that the child is showing an imbalance and ultimately wants to get back to feeling good = balance. Loving the behavior for indicating the imbalance can help the parent respond with love and appropriate direction rather than disdain. Loving limits come out of love for the totality of a situation.
Try practicing complete love of your child in circumstances you initially dislike. Honor where you are and move towards love. It has a magical effect on the whole experience.
I’m sorry. I can see where you’re trying to head with this, and I think you had poor word choice. I’m not going to “have a great affection for,” “derive or receive pleasure from,” “be enamored with” or “have sexual intercourse with” one child abusing another (physically, mentally or emotionally)! I can be smart and withhold judgement and be at peace within myself while getting to the bottom of the issue–But in truth, by definition, I should not ‘love’ the action.
Thank you for continuing the discussion… by the definitions you shared, which are just a few for the word ‘love’ the one I would choose is “to be enamored with”. Perhaps some other words that could also apply, that may be included in a definition of love, are acceptance and appreciation. Inner acceptance and appreciation does not mean we do not take outer action. It simply means we choose to accept and appreciate to the best of our ability in the moment.
I can go with appreciate. That puts it on a level of almost non-evaluation for me. Such behavior does indicate underlying difficulties that should be discussed and guided with understanding and loving space. But the word love carries with it a level of evaluation for me that puts things on a higher plane than non-evaluation. People whom I love I want to see again and again. Foods I “love” I want to eat again and again. I don’t want to invite again and again destructive/abusive behavior from one child to another or from a child to an adult or adult to child. I can appreciate the angst that brings on that behavior, and let’s find another way to express that angst!
“I don’t want to invite again and again destructive/abusive behavior from one child to another or from a child to an adult or adult to child. I can appreciate the angst that brings on that behavior, and let’s find another way to express that angst!”
Absolutely. And to be clear, I am talking about an in-the-moment experience of love. An experience of embracing the whole child with the intent to transition harmful behavior. An experience of understanding and compassion with an intent to teach lovingly. That’s all…