I’ve had five children in twelve years. While I may appear slim, my body is not what it used to be when I was a teenager, and I am working to make a few changes. Lately, I have been brainstorming simple, quick ways to build strength – cardio, core, muscle, emotional, mental, spiritual – overall strength. I have the emotional, mental, spiritual covered pretty well with relaxation meditation and awareness activities, although I am always open for further integration.

As I was walking up the stairs the other day in our bi-level home it occurred to me that the action of walking up and down the stairs (especially while packing a 16+ pound baby) is quite the exercise in itself. Today at Natural Parents Network I’m writing about how I am using my stairs for strength. Come check out At-Home Exercise: Using My Stairs for Strength and share your own at-home exercise routines!

As I sat with the energy, feeling a little more special than usual, it dawned on me.

Every day is Mother’s Day.

There is not a day that we are not mothers once we choose this role and there is not a day that goes by that we ought not celebrate ourselves and our role.

What would happen if we woke up everyday with thoughts like these…

Today I celebrate my experience as a mother. I cherish myself – the pitfalls, the transgressions, the ups and the downs, the growth and the challenges, the peace-bliss filled moments when I look with wonder into the eyes of my child and feel that awesomely indescribable mix of feelings that only a mother feels. I honor the process of motherhood and I adore my children, even when it gets tough. We are in this together and I am grateful to be called Mom in this family. I am excited to see where the journey of motherhood takes me today. I love me and I love being a mom.

Wow.

What could happen? Really.

Where would such a string of thoughts lead us each day? Would it help us to reset ourselves in the face of the family melting down all at once when dinner needs to be prepared, the baby bumps her head, the toddler is screaming for some very important reason that we have not yet deciphered, the six year old is trying to make sense of it all, the lone boy looks around mystically while he bounces a ball to keep himself grounded and the twelve year old plugs in an earphone so she can tune at least part of it out?

Would such a declaration, a feeling of purpose excite and direct us enough to allow each moment, each day to be as special (or more) as the Mother’s Day declared by our cultural directives?

Well, we get to decide.

We decide how we start our day. We decide whether we drag ourselves out of bed or we lay there and rest — part in observation of how we are feeling, part in reflection of who we are, part in quiet anticipation of what we are going to create as we go about our day.

We get to choose how we direct our thoughts at the start of our day. I invite you to consider starting yours with something that inspires you in your journey of motherhood and see what happens.

Every Saturday at 7pm EST I am facilitating Parent Child Meditation by phone. We rotate through a four piece process that helps facilitate presence and positive change. You can participate in a series of calls or drop in when it works for you. Learn more here…

Are you past the potty training stage or are you preparing yourself for that experience? I can totally relate to the ups and downs of teaching kids about using the bathroom. I can also relate to the struggles that come before with diaper changes, babies who crawl away still needing to be cleaned up, and the battle that sometimes ensues.

After feeling completely ill-prepared for this leg of the parenting journey with my first child I was determined to find another way to help my subsequent children learn about the toilet. When my second child was about fifteen months old I learned about a method called Elimination Communication. It changed my experience of potty training forever.

I am now offering a course called Gradual Toilet Training, which blends a sensitive and positive approach with characteristics of elimination communication for toilet learners of any age. You don’t have to have a baby to take this class. Actually, you don’t even have to have a baby to benefit! Learn more here…

As always, if I can assist you in any way please feel free to contact me.

An NPN reader asks our natural parenting mentors:

How do you deal with other parents who behave aggressively toward their children?

My son is in kindergarten and it is necessary for him to ride the school bus. My daughter and I walk with him to the bus stop each morning and wait with him. While there, the other kids play around. This is normal, and all of the kids do it. There is a mother there who screams at, yells at, and threatens her children constantly.

Read more at Natural Parents Network >>

Oatmeal is kind of popular in our home, at least for those of us who only eat oats and rice for grains.

This particular recipe is really easy to mix up, keeps well so you can make a large batch to eat for a few days, and turns into take along bars if you like.

Find out how to make this delicious reduced allergen breakfast treat in my post at Natural Parents Network: Baked Oatmeal with Fruit – Egg, Wheat, Dairy Free.

As we look to change our world (inner and outer), a first step is cultivating the safe space to feel. Feelings are signals from the spirit of truth at the base of our being that carry important messages. Our feelings are also energetic motivators and often we are not fully aware of how feelings are fueling our actions. We may know what we think caused the feeling, but the feelings can be so tangled and repressed that we are not fully sure what to do with what we are feeling so we react from a conditioned place inside of ourselves.

SAFE offers an alternative. It also offers the space to simply feel what we feel – good or bad, pretty or ugly, soft or intense. We need this space so we can learn from what we are feeling and bring about any changes our feelings are asking for within and without. When we do not feel safe with what we feel, or experiencing it fully, we end up resisting it in our body which can lead to repression or more intense explosions.

SAFE is a very essential first step, and if all of us would embrace this step, the rest would become apparent and the ripple of our willingness to feel fully and safely would definitely shift everything. Test it to see how this may be true for you.

So what do I mean by SAFE?

S – Stop and notice. Regardless of what you are feeling – whether it is something simple in the moment like the joy of your child’s smile or something more intense like rage that she is again doing that thing you most dislike – stop outwardly acting on the feeling (talking/touching/grabbing/spanking/yelling/whatever) and notice what is going on in your mind and body. If you feel inclined to touch someone forcefully, bring your hands (and/or feet) close to your own body. I will say the important part again: stop and notice what is going on within your own mind and body. We can do this, and we are the only ones who can.

What thoughts are present? How does your body feel? Where in your body do you feel what you feel? Notice your breath and bring your attention deeply into your breath as you gradually feel the inside of your body from head to toe. It can help to practice this when you are not feeling intensely so you have a base to work from.

A – Accept and acknowledge. Welcome the feeling as a friend you have trusted your whole life. If you have never trusted anyone, this is an exercise in learning to trust yourself. You can transition how you feel what you feel.

Accept how you feel from the inside, with the same gentle attention you bring to notice your breath and body. So this goes deeply into how you are not only thinking, but feeling in your body. In your own words, silently or out loud, say to the feeling in your body something like I hear you. It’s safe to feel what I am feeling. It is safe for others to feel what they are feeling. I am cultivating the safe space to feel while not acting harshly on any feelings I have – from anger to lust and beyond.

As you accept and acknowledge, begin to notice what message the feeling is bringing forth. If what you are feeling doesn’t feel so good this may look like many thoughts about what you do not like or want or even how awful you are. Allow your focus to transition to what you do want. What do you want instead? How do you want to think and feel about yourself and this situation? Later, you can reflect on these messages and bring about more of what you want in your life.

F – Feel fully. As you address the mental and physical aspects of what you are feeling, feel it fully in your body with your inner attention. Bring your attention to the action of breathing as you deeply feel how it feels to breathe. Notice how your breath goes to every cell in your body, and the rhythm of inhale-exhale-slight space in between. Allow the focus of your attention on your breath to touch and free the emotion you feel from the inside. Notice the space around and inside of what you feel.

It’s energy so it might feel like a wave, a knot, an intensity, a pleasure. Whatever, allow it to cycle through you as if you are the ocean and it is a wave or ripple in the current of you. You may cry, want to shout, squeeze your muscles, feel inclined to harm, or something else. Allow yourself to feel fully without verbally or physically acting on those feelings other than to open your mouth and breathe deeply and fully as tears roll or sounds come from within.

Bring your attention deeply within and allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Stay with this and notice what happens. You do not roll away with the wave, it does not crash on you. You are the wave, you are the ocean. You are the awareness of what you are feeling. You are the space around the story, around the feeling. Your attention to the space of breath that is continually cycling through your body allows you to feel fully as you acknowledge all components of what you feel so you can listen to and heed the message, bringing about powerful change for yourself – and the world.

One moment at a time.

E – Exit if necessary. You may be wondering how you can do any of the above if you don’t feel safe or comfortable feeling what you feel while not acting on it as you usually would. At first you may feel very resistant to feeling what you feel or it may intensify as you bring attention to it. This is okay.

If you need space to feel fully or be safe while you feel (not harm yourself or another), get that space. Leave the room, have a sit down, find a friend who can provide that space, exit the conversation, and/or get some other help. This is your responsibility to yourself and others and you can do this.

This is not about perfection. It is about willingness, determination, and action. If you forget to feel safely, don’t give up – keep practicing. It will become second nature eventually.

Now, go change the world… from within.

Check yourself and root out all forms of force from your being. Become acutely aware of your own potential for force and violence. No, it’s not an easy task. It’s huge. And it’s worth it. Not only do our children deserve it, they need it. Rape begins with the idea it is somehow okay to force ourselves on another person in some form or fashion. It is not okay. This is different from protective use of force which I will address at another time.

The world around us isn’t changing; it’s intensifying. We have to change from the inside and for our children to know they are not to force others or to accept being forced as part of life, they need to experience life with adults who are willing to look at their stuff and stop forcing the children around them. Don’t worry, I include myself in this and hopefully my forthcoming book Force Free Parenting will help us all. We shall see.

If you have an issue forcing your child or others, get help. Sure, we live in a world where it’s seen as weak to get help, but come on. If we have a problem, we need some help. We didn’t get like this by ourselves. We need the assistance of someone (or maybe more than one) who is truly compassionate and effective in helping another work through their stuff so they can see the light of their soul and live from it. This is possible, I assure you. Don’t wait. Stop reading and seek it out now (here are some links to help). Our children are watching and one of the best ways we can teach them how not to force others is through not doing it ourselves.

Define clear boundaries for yourself as you respect your child’s. What do I mean by boundaries? Declarations of how you want to be treated, in a sense. You can only determine them for yourself. You can, though, respect the boundaries of another person, such as your child, by noticing how your child responds to how you are being and check yourself when they show signs of not wanting you to touch or be with them in a certain way. Quite possibly if your child is resistant, you have a thread of force alive in you and can benefit from looking within to discover your true intentions.

I am not asking you to guilt yourself into some sort of quintessential submission; I am just asking you to really look inside and choose how you are being with yourself and those around you as it pertains to boundaries. Again, I do the same with myself and it is quite liberating as I realize again and again that force is not where I want to come from and that there is an endless flow of love, compassion, peace, certainty, and strength from which I can choose to live from in any moment.

Notice how you handle anger and teach your children how to be emotionally responsible. Okay, I could totally separate these two but they really go hand in hand. I could also write about them all day as there is a whole lot of unbridled anger circulating our planet today. Here’s a way to look at anger. It is a thwarted sense of personal power. Our personal power is the ability to direct our lives, or at least feel like we can in some way. Certainly we always have a choice about how we can view our experience of life, even if we cannot control all aspects of it. Personal power that feels it has no space to express turns into anger.

How do you handle anger? How do you handle it when things don’t go your way? How do you handle it when you feel someone else has power over your life? Does that anger fester? Does it jump and shout about how it is someone else’s fault (even in your head)? Do you take it out on others? Do you find yourself tempted to force another person when you feel anger? Is it possible that unmet anger could even manifest in some other seemingly unrelated event where you “displace” the anger onto someone or some other situation?

What does anger have to do with rape? Underlying both is the issue of personal power. Do I get it from someone else or something outside of me or is it inside of me at all times, waiting for me to exercise it consciously, responsibly? True, pure personal power comes from harnessing the power inside of us to choose how we respond to and direct our lives. We need to know this so we can share it with our children. We need to delve into this so deeply that we have no doubt where our power is. It is not in our children behaving a certain way. It is not in our partner behaving a certain way. It is in our ability to choose.

Yes, ish hits the fan. Life isn’t perfect or pretty. Often times it is downright messy. We can still choose. Maybe through helping our children to experience their ability to choose and that their power is inside of them inherently we can reduce eliminate the transition from anger, delusions about where power comes from, and rape to a collaborative, enjoyable, empowering experience of life for everyone. Call me idealistic, I do not mind. I’m holding to my vision regardless.

Emotional responsibility starts with becoming comfortable feeling without acting. We need to know what we are actually feeling while we meet the physical and mental components of anger so we can transition any movement to force into using our personal power to bring about what we really want in our lives. No, this is not easy. I don’t really write about what’s easy. Simple, yes. Easy, no. I will share, though, that it is our own resistance which puts up the front and that’s okay, we’re human. We can still choose to start feeling fully and then choose what we do with what we feel.

Listen to our children and teach them to listen to others. I wasn’t going to write about rape; it’s too close to home. I was going to read the stories and feel what I feel and move on. Then a friend, Amy of Anktangle, wrote Teaching Kids About Consent (and How Not to Rape) and I at least wanted to share her very well written piece about how to respect kids and teach them the simple act of getting consent before touching someone through listening, noticing gestures, and modeling how to do this so our children can grow up with the ability to respect another person’s body. Yes, this is helpful and necessary. Does this mean we can never touch someone we are close to without explicitly getting permission? This depends completely on the context of the relationship and how each person feels – at the time. I am not going to give you a blanket statement; I am imploring you to lift the veil and figure this one out – really figure it out from within – moment by moment if necessary.

See human beings as deserving of dignity – all human beings – and share this with children. That’s why I always start with us and how we are being with those around us so we can pull force out by the roots. (I even suggest parents use Parent Talk with themselves before using it with children). We can talk all day about values, but talk really meets action with kids. They’re watching us all of the time. Henry Rollins wrote some pertinent thoughts about this in response to a recent teen rape case… “education, truth, respect, equality—these are the things that can get you from a to b very efficiently.” Yes, yes these things can bring about a change so that our children do not see each other as pieces of property – or less – to use and abuse in any situation. We can get from where we are – in a world with people who harm each other regularly – to a world where people honor one another, starting with ourselves.

Lastly, for now, if it has already happened – start the healing process. If you have forced your child, heal the past and start anew. If you know a child who is experiencing force or rape, stand up and do something. We need to be there for each other in this world. As one mom writes to her sons, there are helpers in the world. Be one. Start now.

I also realize through working with parents for the past ten plus years, that the most important parent I can help is me.

Whatever I am doing ripples out into the world, whether it is behind closed doors or out in front of everyone in the restaurant. I am, you are, we are… walking this parenting journey individually — and together. Our families are reaping the benefits, or the woes.

As you know, I am working toward benefit.

For this reason, I have decided to take a sabbatical from much of the work I am doing. I am shifting my focus even deeper within — within myself, my family, my life, my purpose, my goals. I am not currently sure how long I will be out of the loop, so to speak, and I trust the world will continue rotating regardless. Yes, trust is the essence of this leg of my journey as well.

This means you will receive much less email from me (bonus if you aren’t reading it anyhow) and I am reducing my session availability. If you need assistance during this time, feel free to email me (and I will get back to you when I can) or check out some of the links to helpful resources.

Blessings to you and yours for we are certainly already blessed; it’s just a matter of realizing it…

“I have been working the last couple of years to become a parent I can be comfortable with (doing away with spanking, anger, yelling, and an authoritarian mindset…though my husband is not on the same page concerning that part). I love all that I am learning, but my big problem is following all of these “gentle” suggestions while managing 4 kids (ages 2.5, 5, 6, and 7) at the SAME TIME! My nearly 5 year old has such huge melt-downs that he requires ALL of my mental and physical energy to contain him…and even then it is merely “survival”. I am not very satisfied with my own reactions, and I feel rather “lost” at times as to what to do. My problem is I then resent him and resort to less gentle methods because I have the responsibility of caring for the others at the same time which feels humanly impossible. Also, sometimes the nature of the conflict is one that needs to be resolved immediately (leaving for school, cleaning up a spill, destroying a siblings project) and there is no time for these type of suggestions. Suggestions buy time but don’t get dinner on the table when everyone else is melting down from hunger and the 5 year old is requiring ALL of my attention for some other issue. I really could use something a little more “nitty gritty” for these more crucial moments (or a way to change my thinking as sometimes that helps too!). Have you found any helpful advice/methods concerning managing larger families?”

Here’s how I responded…

Thank you for asking this pertinent question, not only for larger families, but for anyone who struggles to establish or maintain an honorable approach to parenting in the face of challenge. I can relate as I am currently guiding five children ranging from 5 mos. to 12 years of age.

It sounds like you have been learning some very valuable parenting skills that help you parent more in line with your values, much of the time. It also sounds like some of the skills make their way out the window when you are tending to all of the kids at once and the 5 year old (or possibly another child) is having a difficult time. The main question I hear in what you shared is, “How can I honor myself, my child, and all of my children, when time is short and I must meet everyone’s needs at once?”

First, an underlying philosophy is vital. It’s your go-to in moments of question. Putting it into action is the “nitty-gritty” you are talking about. Why is philosophy important? Because if we don’t have our values to guide us, we falter. It’s too easy to revert to what we were raised with, how we react when challenged, or some other variance that isn’t what we really want. It’s the difference between reacting and responding. Part of my personal parenting philosophy is a foundation of relaxation mediation. I teach myself how to respond to the complexities of parenting multiple children and change my default to loving guidance (yes, it’s a practice).

Here are a few resources to refine, redefine, and anchor in a solid philosophy from which to parent from… Simple Inquiry for Parents, Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy, Simple Meditation, I Find My Way to Peace, The Whole Body Camera, and Nurturing Presence. You may also benefit from a parenting mantra – some sort of statement that can help you refocus your attention, mind, and body on what is important to you when challenges arise.

Second, create a chaos plan. This can look like sitting down with a piece of paper and writing what chaos looks like in your home – 5 year old melting down when you have 5 minutes to leave, all of the kids upset at once, feeling overtired and frustrated yourself at bedtime, whatever. Then brainstorm ways to deal with the chaos. If someone is upset and combative, think of what you can direct the other children to – safe activities in their room, ways to help, a snack in the fridge, a book to read – while you help that child.

In helping your child who is upset, think about how this may go if you feel ill prepared versus when you feel you have enough time/sleep/resources . If you feel rested is it easier to listen, reflect what your child is feeling, be there while he feels what he feels, and move to what’
s next? Sure, so building in some time to rest more – even with 5 minutes of conscious relaxation or meditation – may help. That can be part of your preparedness plan; if you are feeling stressed take five minutes and rest a bit so you can refresh yourself for the remainder of the day.

It may also be helpful to prepare some snacks ahead of time for kids to eat while you are dealing with another or need to get out the door. Adding in some extra time before outings can make a difference as well. Allow your mind to explore all possibilities of lightening the experience of chaos through survival thinking. Mentally rehearse how you will meet chaos and see yourself confident as you handle the challenges of parenting.

A lot of figuring out how to prepare for chaos comes from moving through chaos without having what we need in place, so give yourself permission to learn along the way. If you feel like you’re short on skills to help with your chaos plan, talk with another parent who has many children or a parenting mentor.

Now, the in-the-moment application. Again, I am grateful you asked because answering this question is helping me clarify my approach. Here’s what I’ve come up with… and I admit that it’s an evolving process. Kind of like coming up with one’s favorite recipe, you might start with someone else’s that tastes really good, then you modify it, add a little of this here, reduce a little of that, and wa-la… it’s an even yummier yum. Possibly these will be some helpful pointers for you as you come up with your own perfectly evolving approach.

Breathe. Okay, you’re already breathing. Notice your breath. As you assess the situation, focus your attention deeply on the rhythm of your breath. If it’s quick and you feel upset (maybe even furious), allow it to ease a bit and continue to keep your awareness on your breath and body as you move to help your family. This alone can remind you to be intentional instead of reactive or harsh. Great time to bring in a mantra or pointer to your parenting philosophy, too.

Start with immediate needs. What needs attention right now? If you’re getting ready to go out the door and your 5 year old starts to get upset, begin by meeting your own immediate need to acknowledge that things are not going according to plan and it’s okay to feel what you feel. It’s okay for everyone to feel what they feel. If the need in the moment is for your child to be heard, listen – as you get everyone else ready. If the need is for a snack or safety, honor that and get space if necessary for a few moments while you gently continue as planned.

Move to basic needs. Does anyone need to use the restroom, eat, get a drink of water, rest somewhere quiet, connect for a hug? As you meet the immediate needs present, take note of what basic needs may need attention and attend to them. If your 5 year old is still upset let him know you notice he may feel angry/sad/disappointed/whatever you feel he is feeling and if you need to move to help another one of the kids — do that. Just let him know you are making your way to the kitchen to prep dinner. Invite him to come along or come back and check on him in a few moments.

Breathe some more. As you take inventory of what needs to be done in the situation, allow yourself a few moments to just observe, possibly allow your shoulders to relax, and even smile. Wow, this is parenting — full of challenges and I’m learning as I go!

Move to structure. Keeping with routine or rhythm can be helpful when we are willing to flow with the ups and downs of being the caregiver of many. Kids will get upset, we can learn to help them through what they feel. It’s okay to tend to everyone’s needs while someone feels upset. As the child learns that feeling upset is not a problem, but something the family can work through together, the tendency for such emotions to derail the whole family will lessen. Once you feel you’ve regained a sense of equilibrium (use the sit down if helpful), move to what you planned to do before chaos erupted, or what feels appropriate given the circumstances. Invite the children to accompany you to do the dishes, get out the door, whatever. If you have a silly song you can sing along the way, all the better.

Appreciate. Look at your children and feel the love you have for them. Really soak it up (the whole body camera may be helpful to do when all is going well, too).

Breathe. Don’t forget about you in all of this because you are the one guiding everyone else. Instead of letting that statement reinforce any pressure you may feel, consider it a pointer to the immensity of power you have to mother your children through whatever comes. It’s in you… enjoy the journey.

Please click on over to Natural Parents Network to read the other response from Dr. Laura of AhaParenting.com.

Anger is a neutral signal, neither bad or good. It often signals that we feel powerless. We may not be not fully aware of our choices and feel seized by the presentation of the emotion in our body, as well as by the thoughts that may accompany it. What we do with anger is what determines the results in our experience.

A first step in addressing anger is meeting and honoring the sensation of it in the body. What do I mean by this? Really noticing where we tense up and how we respond on the inside to the feeling. (Present moment awareness is one way to do this).

Do we immediately lash out, trying to push what we feel away? Do we yell, break things, or worse — hurt others? Do we stuff it down into some deep, dark place inside? Do we handle it responsibly in some way that honors ourselves and those around us?

We can meet the feeling of anger in the body by doing something physical while we work through our thoughts. Below is a list of 25 things you can do when you feel angry. I commit to these alternatives myself. I encourage you to print the list or make your own. In a future post I will write about 25 things we can think when we feel angry to transition our thoughts and change the tides of anger from the inside out.

***

Purpose… to honor what I feel while protecting those around me (leaving them unscathed), to provide space around what I feel angry about, to physically meet the energy of the emotion while transitioning my thoughts to support me and my choices in life… to not have to feel and say I am sorry for how I handle the anger I feel, to be response-able.

1. Wash dishes
2. Vacuum
3. Organize a shelf
4. Fold laundry
5. Hand mop
6. Wipe down counters
7. Sing
8. Meditate
9. Pray
10. Dance
11. Exercise
12. Jumping jacks
13. Head stand
14. Push-ups
15. De-clutter
16. Smile
17. Write
18. Appreciate
19. Pet the dogs
20. Talk about it
21. Play
22. Yoga
23. Jump rope
24. Yodel
25. Be silly